Faithful Promises

Sunset

2009-08-05T22:47:00.002-04:00

Cindy passed away peacefully on Monday August 3rd 2009. She was surrounded by family; her husband Howard, and oldest son Wesley, held her hands. Her funeral will be held Thursday August 6th, at 2:00 pm in her beloved church.
Cindy had completed her final blog, but we are unable to locate it at this time. We will post the blog as soon as we can.
Thanks to all of you for your continued prayers and well wishes.

Cindy's family

What a Week!

2009-07-22T14:29:00.004-04:00

This week has been a crazy mix of up and down. My function has decreased yet again. Physical Therapy has gone fine although I have not been able to do the full routine. I really want to do this though as I am motivated to regain all that I can, as quickly as I can. As usual our church has stepped up their efforts when we need it. Jarvis - there just isn't enough I can say to thank you for everything.

Radiation is going well. I have few side effects from that for now. Unfortunately my pain has increased greatly. We are trying to get it under control and I have no doubt that my doc will find a way to get this under control. I have been seen three days so far this wee and go back to be seen tomorrow as well. I am getting around okay at home though. Once I get up it's fine. Getting up and down is a bit more challenging. Ever hear of Cushings?

This post is a bit more important than many of my others. I want you all to know what my dear friend Linny is doing for me. This is Linny's Blog:

www.aplacecalledsimplicity.blogspot.com

Linny has organized a fast and prayer for me for this Monday. PLEASE go visit her blog to see the details. I have been so humbled by everything that so many are doing. Linny my sweet friend thank you! You are such a shining example of a daughter of Christ!

Whoever does the will of God is my brother, and sister, and mother.
Mark 3:35

His Strength is Perfect

2009-07-17T22:24:00.013-04:00

And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I gather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
2 Corinthians 12:9

I read a handful of blogs on a regular basis. When I get on my computer in the morning, I have a routine that I follow as I go through them one by one. A few days ago, I clicked on one of my regularly read blogs, The NieNie Dialogs http://nieniedialogues.blogspot.com/
Steph is a young woman of remarkable courage. Last August she, her husband and a flight instructor were in a horrible plane crash. Stephanie was burned very badly. She has had quite a year, as just living has been a true miracle. She doesn't look the same - and never will. She was a really pretty young girl. She was cleaning out some of her old emails that day and had run across a picture taken of her shortly before the crash. She called the photo "A Ghost in the House". Quoting her "I broke down. My face no longer looks like her, and her is me. But I don't look like her. (yes, I am so feeling sorry for myself) I thought about the song Alison Krauss sings called 'Ghost in this house'."

"I feel like that Ghost. I miss my old self so much it hurts everyday and just when I think I have accepted the "new me" I remember her, and it hurts."

I did feel bad for her - for about 10 seconds; then the uglies took over. I started thinking, okay well, it's hard. But guess what - you're alive and are going to stay that way. You get to raise your four little children - I don't. How unbelievably arrogant of me. So, here I sit a week later - a ghost in my own house. And deeply apologetic to Steph to whom I sending a copy of this post.

I look nothing like I did a week ago. I do not look like the same person at all. And I do not have the same function at all either. If you haven't seen me in a while you will not recognize me. I do want others to know this so it isn't such a shock if you run into me in public which happened today. In my husband's wonderful day o f taking care of me, as we were errand running we ran into someone we had not seen in quite a while. They were extremely uncomfortable and abviously taken aback by my appearance. That tells me that I should have mentioned this before.

I do have my walker now. It is wonderful. Although I was hesitant to take this step I am so glad that I did. It has truly given me my mobility back. I wonder why I thought it was such a big deal. Maybe because it is a big deal - but in the best possible way.

I frankly have been struggling quite a bit over the last week. The loss of independence and function is not something that any of us saw coming. I have adaptive equipment all over the house now. At first frankly demeaning to my prideful self, I now realize what a blessings these items are. I hit a really low point and decided that a pity party was definitely in order. So I threw myself a doozy of a pity party.

In His faithfulness, God sent me exactly what I needed. I had a few songs from You Tube saved in my favorites on my computer. I "randomly" opened the folder and clicked on one of them about a third of the way down. It was Steven Curtis Chapman's 'His Strength is Perfect'. I have embedded it below. Please follow it to the end.

I fell again. At this point I'm just too weak to do anything about it. Limp as a rag doll, my body is just folding up. My physical weakness is becoming more and more evident. Probably my lowest day, His strength is indeed perfect. But when my strength is gone, His is evident. My weakness only reaffirms His strength. Fully experiencing His strength gives me so much more than on my own even in my own physical weakness.

Thankful Thursday

2009-07-16T20:30:00.006-04:00

Yesterday I found out what my radiation schedule will be. I will be having radiation daily Monday through Friday for the next 23 business days. Although a very welcome beginning, this does present challenge itself. I really am totally unable to drive. But what an awesome God we serve and what an unbelievable church family we have. A call here, a call there, and in only one hour, rides were secured for me for the entire schedule!

This afternoon I begin Physical Therapy. While PT is not generally something that people look forward to, I am quite anxious to begin. I have to be better than this. And indeed the therapists I saw were wonderful. They are kind, compassionate and helpful in developing appropriate exercises for me. They do not want me to over extend as whatever is going on, is unfortunately still going on. The incident has not abated and is getting a bit worse daily. Although there was a sudden onset, recovery will not be. Hopefully we can slow down or stop what is going on, but evidently it will take several months to recover.

As of Monday, I had a quad cane. Now they want me to have a walker. But it is one of those cool souped up models with a seat on it. My ride companions will be glad to hear this - no more carrying my heavy pocketbook.

Today as I got my physical therapy schedule those rides were also secured in record time. I have so much to be thankful for. Rallied around both me and my family are an awesome group of people who love the Lord and look for opportunities to serve Him. I thank each and everyone of them.

Monkey Bars, Duct Tape and Bungie Cords

2009-07-14T15:27:00.005-04:00

Many of us carry duct tape. That isn't so surprising. I buy it in the little flat rolls so that I can conveniently drop it in my pocketbook. I never go on a trip without it.

Bungie cords - okay I got some flack on that one the last time I went to China. But in Tokoyo someone threw my new rolling suitcase off the airplane and onto the tarmac. The result was that the new suitcase now had no pull-up handle and the entire wheel assembly was broken rendering it useless. Ah - the joy of bungie cords. I took out a couple of them and strapped said suitcase to my larger roller affectionately nicknamed Bertha. We lost less than 5 minutes doing this. Nobody was laughing now.

It was on this trip to China that we adopted Lulea. Three years later, her speech issues although vastly improved, still linger. Sometimes she says things that you really have to listen hard, digest and try to translate. She came in the den shortly after Christmas and said, "Mama, I like your monkey bars." Well, that's what it sounded like anyway. I frowned, had her repeat what she said and then sat and tried to digest what in the world she had been trying to tell me. She became a bit insistant at that point. Both her frustration and mine was mounting. Finally she motioned to me and said "I show uo." The minute she headed to the bathroom it hit me and the mystery was solved. I had been the recipiant of grab bars for the bathroom, which I really appreciated. To Lulea they were monkey bars. How funny her perspective!

Being prepared for the future is a favorite topic of mine. Type A to the core, I carry duct tape and bungie cords. Sometimes though the future brings with it, an altogether different set of circumstances than what we felt such a great need to be prepared. As expected, my monkey bars have been a life saver - till this weekend. Over the weekend, three days to be exact, I a significant amount of function. My left side decided to go on strike. Then my hearing began to diminish. Finally, the strength in my both legs vanished along with decreased strength and function of my arms and hands along with a fair maount of tremoring. Oh yes, and then there's the approximately 20 pounds that suddenly appeared over the course of the last week.

At my oncology appointment this morning, my blood work was again just fine. That was very welcome news. Because of the extent of my downward spiral in such a short time there was quite a bit of consternation that perhaps the tumor in my brain was growing out of control. The verdict however went in another direction which was bit unexpected though welcome. This is all evidently a fairly impressive effect of a high dose of steriods.

One look at me and my oncologist went into high gear and arranged for new radiation treatments to begin Tuesday. She isn't the type to throw her weight around unnecesarily so when she says jump - people do. Once the radiation has begun, they can begin weaning me off of the steroids - thank goodness. Driving is out of the quesition - my legs don't work well enough for it to be safe. In fact, both my onc and a PA in another office insisted that I go buy a quad cane. That is not exactly something I would have forseen just a week ago. But for once I decided to be sensible and listen to my doctor when she pointed out that if I fell and broke a hip or a femor they would have to suspend all treatment until I was healed. So I got the cane. It's a metallic purple and blue - A throwback to my younger years, I call it my British Racing cane.

As a result of all of this functional loss so suddenly, I had the most humbling experience of my life and it is not without some trepidation that I tell this. I have lost so much strength that I was unable to stand up in the bathroom and had to drop to my knees and crawl out. My husband calmly though took charge. He had to have me reach around his neck and hold on so that he could lift me back to my feet. I didn't want to do this - I wanted to figure out a way to do it myself. I cried in pure frustration and humiliation. But he calmly assured me that he could lift me and all I had to do was to reach out, put my arms around his neck - and trust that he really could get me up. And this wonderful caring dedicated man to whom I have the honor of being married did exactly that. I tried to thank him, but that wasn't what he wanted. He simply wanted me to trust him to help me. All of my preperations were for naut. My duct tape, my bungie cords, not even my monkey bars were of any use without trusting another to help me.

Suddenly I realized, Lord Jesus that's what you do for us. Everytime we stumble and fall if only we put out our arms out to you, you take them. You then pick us up to our feet and set us on our way once more. You sacrificed your life to ours - to saving us from our selves and our stubborn insistence on doing it our own way. All we have to do is reach out our arms and trust that you really will pick us up once more. We don't need duct tape and bungie cords - we need you.

It's a Hundred Little Things

2009-07-10T22:50:00.005-04:00

It's the unspoken sadness that seems to have taken permanent residence in the eyes of my husband. It's friends who are no longer able to make eye contact with me. It's hearing my husband whistle, wondering who will inventory the pantry, who will kiss away each and every one of my little children's boo-boos. Its curling up in my chair while Lulea rubs my arms, smiles and says, "I wuv ou Mama." and knowing that she isn't old enough to remember me long term. Its that infernal racket that the leaf blower (big boy toy) makes when my husband uses it Saturdays.
It's the grin on my husband's face when he comes in with a grocery store bouquet of flowers for me. It's trying to hide my heart as my children turn to each other, guarding their own hearts against a future of pain that they realize awaits them. It's watching them cry themselves to sleep and knowing I can't fix it.
It's when my younger kids ask me about getting a part-time job when they're older and want to know what they can do? As I start to answer, I realize that I won't be here to help them decide. Or when one of my older girls dissolves into tears finally choking words through tears and tells me, "You won't be here to help me plan my wedding. Who's going to take me shopping for things for my dorm room? Daddy can't do that."
It's our tradition of biscuits on Saturday morning after which my heart takes a picture of my two older girls gripping each other's hands for strength across our broad kitchen table; one brown hand of fingers locked and lovingly blended with the white ones across the table. It's my heart pictures of an older child curled up on the sofa helping a younger sibling with schoolwork. It's building a fire in the fire bowl on the patio and making S'mores in the evenings on summer weekends. It's the realization that after 31 years of doing Thanksgiving for our families that I may very well have hosted my last. It's knowing that some of our favorite traditions will likely be broken, Grand Illumination to start the Christmas season in Williamsburg, baking Christmas cookies and handing out our tins of them throughout the neighborhood, our annual MOMYS retreat (there won't be a MOMYS in the house anymore), shopping trips to the outlets in Smithfield, family vacations of spring at the beach, summers in the mountains. It's knowing that I won't be able to do a hope chest for my younger girls like I have done with the older ones. It's knowing that likely my tradition of giving each child a meaningful Christmas ornament every year will likely be discontinued. It's wondering who will do a birthday celebration for my younger children - cake and ice cream at 7:00pm. What will they do with my violin?
It was that final stroll down Duke of Gloucester Street. It's trying to figure out real priorities of my pending projects; several scrapbooking albums in desperate need of finishing, updating photo albums for the kids, the cooking, cleaning, laundry, schooling, and a multitude of other items all vying for my time, attention and ever dwindling energy. It's the realization that my time is really limited.

How can I leave, how can I say goodbye? Then almost in direct response to my questions God lays on my heart a few simple sentences from a sermon I heard many years ago. When Howard and I first joined our church, Jarvis Memorial our associate pastor was David Fishler. He was not there for very long after we joined and I honestly do not remember anything else he may have said during that time. But I distinctly remember a portion of his sermon shortly before Christmas. He was talking about King Herrod and how sorry he felt for Herrod. David made the statement that Herrod was unwilling to give up what he had, even to have something better. How sad for Herrod that he clung so fiercely to the familiar and comfortable. He could have had so much more if only he had made a different decision for his life. David spoke with the authority of one who truly knows what he is talking about through personal experience. You see, David was Jewish, or at least he used to be. When he made a decision in his life for Christ he walked away from everything which he had ever known. He was literally dead in the eyes of his family. This man lost everything familiar and comfortable in his life when he, as Peter, bravely stepped out of his boat and onto the water to the outstretched hand of Christ.
Would I have chosen to leave my family prematurely had it been left to me? Fairly obviously no mother would chose to leave her little children or a wife to leave her husband so early in life. Over and over I have heard God quietly nudging my heart with a persistent question, "Do you love them more than me Cindy?" Honestly I have struggled with this question. Clearly scripture tells us that we must love the Lord with all our heart, soul, mind and first above all others. However, I am human and I have children as young as five. It has been so difficult to come to terms in my heart with God's question. Am I simply clinging to the abundant blessings I have even when being squarely confronted with the prospect of something even better awaiting me? Oh this is so hard!
Shortly after the auto accident in which three of my children were involved last fall I received an email from a very wise friend. She said that she felt God was showing me that He will take care of my children. I agree with her, as if I really should have needed anything more to know this. As the time progresses I see more and more evidence that He is calling me to release them to Him.

Yesterday I read a quote that has hung in mind:
"God uses the troubles of our lives, culminating in the inevitability of our own deaths, to pry our grips off this world and refocus our hearts on what lies ahead with Him." -- Rick Holland

This was hard to read, but timely. My journey is necessarily and not unhappily toward home. That home is not here on this earth. I am but a temporary resident renting space in a temporary dwelling (my earthly body). It is hard to leave them. My fears are for them. It hurts my heart to think of the pain they will endure. But yes, Lord, I love you best.

Thankful Thursday

2009-07-09T10:11:00.007-04:00

My sweet friend, Linny does a Thankful Thursday on her blog every week and encourages the rest of us to do as well. Today, I'm taking her up on it.

This is a Thankful Thursday for me. It started when I got out of bed this morning. For many who rose today it's just another workday, another dull job day, another mountain of laundry day, another day of trying to juggle too many tasks into too little time, another day of the never ending drudgery of housework undone nearly as soon as completed.

For me, it's another day of life. I got up, I have my family, I live in a beautiful world in a very comfortable home with a wonderful friends and top notch medical care. I don't say it enough, but I/we have been blessed in ways I never even knew existed. When I was re diagnosed last fall we were put in a huge bind. At the time, we were in the middle of a complicated
"refurbishment" on our home. The older girls and I were doing most of the work and it had to be immediately suspended as I was unable to then breathe the fumes of what we were doing.

Our church stepped in immediately and just took over, completely redoing the upstairs and part of the downstairs for us. Now resources have been provided that we can finish the downstairs as well - or at least close to it. It may not be exactly what we were going to do, but will be so much better and we will on our way to finally completing this project.

On my chemo weeks, our church is still providing meals after these long 10 months! Isn't that utterly phenomenal? In fact, with all my big people out of the house this week (missions trips, summer etc) they're feeding us again this week. The faithfulness of Jarvis Church em boding the faithfulness of Christ provides a testimony unlike any other.

Beyond mere meals, our church members call often, "What do you need this week? Do you have any transportation issues I can help you with? I'm just running out to the store or the farmer's market, can I bring you some Silver Queen corn? Oh yes always to Silver Queen corn!!!!!

A faithful member of our congregation provided transportation for my youngest all year long to her speech classes. Summertime rides have been provided for my children for VBS, Mission Explorers and any other activities they wish. This has been so helpful to me. I cannot predict in advance which days are "good days" and which are not. To have things like this provided in advance takes a huge load off of me. Yesterday, we not only dinner provided (mostly fresh from her garden) and then someone brought us a huge flat of fresh blueberries fresh picked off of her mom's bushes. Oh boy do they make good smoothies. All day long people were in and out bringing us things, just checking to make sure we were okay.

My dear friend Darlene has spent the last three years of her life making sure that we always have what we need. Yesterday and the day before she spent time looking for exactly the right Vitamin Water I drink. It's a little hard to find with that magic "10" on the label. Did I ask her to do that for me - no she just does it. This has been the story of our lives.

Every day there are calls, emails, visits, blessings everywhere we turn. My "imaginary friends" in cyber space have meant so much to me. I will not meet the majority of them in person, although I certainly would like that. But they hold such a special place
in my heart. Their comments and encouragements bolster my spirits in ways that are difficult to explain. In fact some of these wonderful friends have put together a retreat in a couple of weeks right here in NC so that they can visit me and I can attend. Isn't that awesome! I am looking forward to this long weekend of fellowship.

In all of this, have I lost sight of the fact that I have some rather large issues going on? Well no, and it's been a long and difficult couple of weeks. Tough decisions have had to be made which have produced quite a bit of stress. The steroids do not agree with me. I ma having the fluid build ups, and impressive overheating which isn't pleasant at all. But I am beginning to be able to tell if I'm late taking a dose as some subtle neurological signs are emerging.My energy level has again fallen and I've had a little bug all week. Wow - sounds like I'm falling apart and leaves you wondering about that thankfulness thing.

But even this, provides opportunity for growth. Immediately scripture comes to my mind.

Not the I complain of want, for I have learned to be content in whatever state I am, to be content.
Philippians 4:11

Well okay, Paul's contentment is more of a lofty aspiration for me rather than reality. Clearly though I hear God calling to consider the big picture of life to enjoy, not to dwell on little irritations or what simply cannot be. For now, I have what I need, and way beyond, making me thankful this Thursday.

Extolling the Virtue of Patience

2009-07-06T13:50:00.004-04:00

This title isn't really descriptive of my post. To extoll means to lift up or laud the praises. Praising patience has never been a strong suit of mine, which is probably why God gave me ten children. Don't you love His sense of humor?

I have had spoken with my oncologist today. I just can't say enough good things about my medical team. My husband describes them as the "Dream Team of Medicine". I strongly agree. They are responsive, thorough, loving and kind. But most importantly they are praying for me and tell me this on a regular basis.

While of course leaving the final decision to the patient they are also not afraid to voice their opinions. I appreciate this beyond words. There are times when patients are simply torn on decisions, overwhelmed and need honest medical evaluation from the ones they trust - their doctor.

After our conversation, it is clear that my decision will be for the external beam radiation as opposed to the Gamma Knife. All of those who prayed that the direction would be clearly revealed, thank you - it was.

There is of course a substantial risk here in that my chemo will be at least temporaily suspended while I do the radiation treatments. I will be closely followed though by both the radiation doctor and my oncologist. Extreme fatique and toxicity are the main side effects of this type of treatment. As I have expressed determination to keep going and eak out as much time as possible, we are going to play this by ear to a degree. If I can tolerate the radiation well, they may be okay with giving some chemo in the interim. The likelihood of this happening isn't very high but it's great to have it in my back pocket anyway.

Evidently there isn't much data on concurrent radiation and chemo with CNS tumors. Maybe I can be a test case. I am however prepared for the likely reality that I'm not going to feel well for the next while.

Once the decision was finally made, I called the radiation oncologist to switch gears and tell them to go ahead and set up the external beam radiation. He's out - till next week! I forgot to tell him last week that he and his wife were not alllowed to have their baby until everything was taken care of for me. So I wait - again.

Yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary.
Isaiah 40:31

Decision Overload

2009-07-05T15:53:00.005-04:00

I am feeling a tad overloaded this weekend. Too many factors to be considered, too many implications of treatment decisions to take it lightly or make hasty decisions. And to top thinks off, it hasn't been a great physical weekend either. Unfortunately the full side effects of the steroids are taking hold. I've been a bit stuck at home this weekend as a result. I don't think I like steroids very much.

My awesome husband has spent the entire weekend doing everything he possibly could to make it a nice July 4th weekend and take my mind off of things. Although we didn't have baseball, we did have hot dogs, no apple pie and well Chevrolet.............

Tomorrow I will talk with my oncologist and see if we can get more input into treatment options and specific risks factors. We have weighed information the entire weekend and are leaning in a direction unless my oncologist throws up some major objections or is forthcoming with new factors to be considered.

Regardless, I don't think right now that I could even decide between crushed ice and cubed. So for now, I will rest in the Lord and allow Him to guide this chapter of my life. There isn't a lot of time to waste here. The effects of this type of tumor can begin suddenly and devastatingly. Once it starts to move, it is not reversible.

Please pray for us. Pray that we have clear direction, level headedness and discernment. This where we really have to employ our faith to defeat the fear.

And the Plot Thickens

2009-07-02T17:48:00.002-04:00

After the elation of yesterday's good news, I came crashing back to reality today. My Radiation Oncologist called and asked that I come in for a conference. I went straight over and met with him promptly. It would appear that there is a serious complication. The tumor in the brain stem is very low. They can try to do the procedure, placing the frame under a general anesthesia. However, even with the frame placement, there is still only a 50/50 chance that they will even be able to proceed due to setup constraints. Assuming that these constraints are overcome, there is a mere 1mm margin for error. Additionally they would have to use a lower dosage of radiation than usual which could lower the effectiveness of the treatment. Wow, this was certainly not anticipated.

My alternative is to have brain stem radiation. Statistically the treatments carry about the same success rate. The brain stem radiation carries significantly less risk than the Gamma Knife procedure. However, my chemo would then have to be suspended during the projected 24 treatments of radiation. My oncologist had expressed concern initially about keeping the rest of the cancer in check while we were dealing with this. She was apprehensive about having to suspend several treatments while this process proceeded but adamant that it would simply be too toxic to run them concurrently. Regrettably, my oncologist is out of town this entire week. I have a call in to see I can meet with her first thing on Monday to evaluate the risks and benefits of the two treatment plans.

I need to call in my prayer warriors on this one. I need divine guidance on how to proceed this time. This will not be an easy decision.

Praise God!

2009-07-01T16:24:00.004-04:00

The prayers were answered. I have been tentatively approved for the Gamma Knife HERE! What a relief this is. I do still have to meet with the neurosurgeon and make sure that he is comfortable with the doing the procedure on me despite the potential complications I present.

I just can't tell you how big a relief this is to me and my family. Additionally, the procedure is tentatively scheduled for the 14th of July. Two weeks - can't get here fast enough and yet leaves little time to wrap up a thing or two. Oh boy, how high a gear can I shift into for the next two weeks?

Chemo was fine on Monday. As they have been all along, your sustaining prayers have held my counts exactly where they should be. This is phenomenal. I have had 21 treatments so far in this round. That's a lot of chemo. But I'm fine. I did have the same nausea that I did last time. That of course made me a bit apprehensive about the next two days going home with the chemo pump . But it has really gone well - not near as much nausea. I am wondering if the oral steroids are making that big a difference with the nausea.

Thank you all for the prayers. God hears us and is good - all the time. His provisions for us are at times unbelievable. He already has things covered before we even know about them. Thank you Lord!

Twilight

2009-06-25T16:14:00.004-04:00

From a photographically technical point of view, this picture is all wrong. My wonderful husband game me a good camera for Christmas last year. I love the camera but I see why people say it is a huge jump from a point and shoot to a DSLR. Lighting, white balance, aperture and f-stops - I haven't really figured all of that out yet.

So many of my pictures are just slightly "off". That pretty well describes how I've felt the majority of this month - just slightly "off". I went for chemo last week and again my numbers were just fine. The only specific item of concern that I mentioned to my PA was that my vision had been blurred for the last several days. It has since cleared and returned to normal. She ordered an MRI even though I had just had one at the end of February.

When you have an MRI on Tuesday and your doctor's office calls you on Wednesday saying they want to see you, you don't have to be a genius to know it's not good. And it wasn't. I have a small brain tumor with associated swelling. This morning at my oncologist's office Howard and I learned a few things we did not know previously. We both were unaware that chemo does not protect against invasion of the CNS. This why you see mets to the brain and spine. It unfortunately seeks refuge in a "safe" spot where it can live and grow without threat from the power of chemo. That is what happening to me at this point. The up side is that the chemo is obviously very effective at holding the cancer at a bay. The down side is that the cancer has found a spot in which to reside. My oncologist was able to arrange for me to go over to the radiation oncologist's office within an hour of my appointment with her this morning.

The tumor is midline in my brain stem. I did see it on the MRI which my oncologist was good enough to blow up for me so that I could see it. The bad news is that is obviously inoperable. Actually, it couldn't possibly be in a worse area. The brain stem as most of you know, is vital. The good news is that we now have gamma knives.

I started looking on the internet for information about the procedure. The concept is fascinating. In a nutshell it uses gamma rays to blast the tumor rather than a knife to remove it. I've included a link http://gammaknife.org/ and click on the left where it says "Click for Video" for an informative video of the procedure. I was surprised at how long the technology has actually been around. It has only been in our area though for a few years. Again, a timing blessing.

Speaking of blessings, I find it remarkable that my vision less than 2 weeks ago was blurred to the point that an MRI was ordered and now my vision is fine. Thank you again Lord. In fact, my radiation oncologist said that there is no way that it would have produced the blurred vision. I am 100% asymptotic in both my estimation and as evidenced by neurological exam. That this MRI was ordered when it was is a nothing short of miracle.

I can't help but know in my heart that There are considerable risks associated with the procedure but I have to do something about it. It cannot be allowed to continue to grow. Despite the ugly and dire warnings I feel confident that if God blurred my vision such that it was to the point I told my PA and she ordered the MRI (otherwise, it would not have been found till it had time to do considerable damage) then He has not brought me this far without purpose. If He arranged for it to be found now, He wants it treated. If He wants it treated, then He will continue with His provisions through that treatment.

It will be next Wednesday before my radiation oncologist can present my case to the Gamma Knife Committee. I will not know till after that if they will do this procedure on me. Of all the silly things, there is one major hurdle here. I have a deadly allergy to ALL caine medications (Lidocaine, Novocaine, Xylocaine, etc). I cannot have it in any way shape form or fashion. Attaching the frame to my head involves screwing it into my skull. This is not something that I would be able to tolerate without anything. I have asked my radiation oncologist to simply put me to sleep with a general anesthesia for this and to just wake me up to do the test. This will involve Xanax and some pretty heavy duty pain meds.

They may not consider me a candidate though because of this. If we cannot do that, then we will have to go with whole head radiation which is a very distant second runner. If treatment is dragged our is wil interrupt my chemo schedule. My oncologist is more concerned about keeping the rest of the cancer in check during the treatment period for the brain tumor. She has also put me on steroids to reduce the swelling. Oh my, not at all what I wanted. I can look for even more weight gain from them. And I never sleep well when I have had to have the steroids in my chemo infusion.

Specific prayer requests are that I will be accepted into the Gamma Knife Clinic, and that treatment does not drag out and interrupt my chemo. My former pastor called me almost immediately yesterday afternoon. His words of comfort and reassurance as always, "Be still and know that I am God". We serve a very big God and if only we are still and allow Him to be God, He will be the one we need. One of my favorite verses is:

You shall be My people, And I will be your God.
Jeremiah 30:22

On second thought perhaps my picture of twilight isn't so off after all. The light is what catches your eye and invites you to come into the picture more fully. My light in this time of twilight is the light of God as once again He graciously takes my hand and whispers that He is my God and I am His. Together we will walk this road at twilight.

It Was Good News Day - well for me anyway

2009-06-02T14:53:00.005-04:00

I had my scheduled CT scan last Thursday and got the results today. I'm doing great! The tumors are still stable, no significant change since my last scan. Thank you God! And my bloodwork is still great. I really can't tell you how significant this is. Today marked my 19th treatment in a row since last September with only the brief break I had in February. This is unbelievable. I am tolerating the treatments so much better than anyone would ever have thought.

I am so grateful for the continued prayers of you all. Don't think for a moment that I do not feel them on a daily basis. Please do continue to pray that I can eat fairly normally to maintain my strength and good numbers.

The news today was not as good today for a chemo buddy of mine and I ask that you pray for Karen as she has finally after 6 years run out of options. An email buddy of mine who was diagnosed around the same time I was, has passed away from his colon cancer. Please pray for Jim's family. And please keep my special friend Cathie in your prayers as well. She has done so much to support me and my efforts to be healthy. Although in the grandest scheme, not the worst that can happen, she lost her hair today and that is really hard. Please pray for her as well.

Thank you dear friends and family. Your prayers, letters, cards, calls, visits, and emails mean the world to me.

Who Are Our Neighbors?

2009-05-21T21:24:00.004-04:00

In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you?
John 14:2

When we were in China in March of 2006, we visited the orphanage where our babies had spent their first two years. This baby had tracked me around the room with her eyes. I finally went over to the crib and put my hand in. She grabbed my finger and held tightly. I asked our guide to ask the nannie if I could hold her. I was given permission. This precious baby snuggled into my shoulder and stayed that way for quite a while. I carried her around as she slowly but surely stole my heart. Later Howard told me that we should have just run and worried about the consequenses later. Before we ever left China he asked me if I thought we could go back one more time.

Those plans were permanently erased when in early October of 2006 I was first diagnosed with colon cancer. Word spread quickly. Alice was the first person on my doorstep. She brought her homemade vegetable soup and her love to us. That began a quick outpouring of support from the community and most of all our church.

A couple of weeks ago it was Alice's turn to need the love and support of friends and family. I didn't know till after the fact. She was two states away at the time. She received excellent care and praises to our God are in order for the good news.

But it bothered me greatly that so often we don't know about our friends and fellow church goers until after the fact. Yes, God knows, but how many opportunities to be of service to each other have slipped by us before we even know it?

On my street alone there are several families with very large needs. One of them has a broken leg. I didn't know till weeks later. Our world has in so many ways become so small, particularly with the wide spread use of the internet. But we don't know our local neighbors needs. Jesus told us to love our neighbors as ourselves, but we hardly even know our neighbors needs so many times.

My friend Tina faces a long recovery from an unlikely illness. She is half a country away from me. How do I serve this neighbor? Carla in Oklahoma has an incredible burden of being pregnant, mom of eight chldren whose husband was recently paralyzed in a traffic accident. How do I serve Carla and her family so far away? My dear friend Cindy is facing huge rages of the storms in her life with little end in sight. How can I serve her, eight hours away in Atlanta?

We know that God goes before us and there are no surprises to Him. He has gotten to the scene before we even know it's coming. But as the body of Christ we are called to serve each other for Him.

Sunday, our next door neighbor, Dennis died. I had mentioned him several times here. He is no longer in pain; there is no more sickness for him and no more of the dreaded needles he hated so much. He is at last at peace and likely enjoying his first few days with Jesus. His fammily is not so lucky and that is where my grief lies. They have to stay here in the not so perfect world in which we live. In the blink of an eye in eternity they will join their husband of 33 years, their daddy, their son, their brother. But our clock on earth moves so much more slowly. And we on the fringes of their grief wonder how best to serve our neighbors.

Perhaps we cannot serve all our neighbors. But there are neighbors we can serve. The opportunities abound in our ordinary daily lives. I wonder how often I've been preoccupied and missed an opportunity to let someone in during heavy traffic, how often have I failed to hand a stranger a five dollar bill who came up short in the grocery store, how many of the homeless have I passed that I did not buy a meal for? What about the lonely woman who just wanted to talk? Was I too hurried in my life to make a minute to affirm her worth? Were there simply words of encouragement I could have offerred to the cashier who just had a customer who reduced her to tears?

I can't even count the number of people who have stepped up to help us in the past 2 1/2 years. I regret deeply that I didn't know Dennis better. Over the last few days his wife and children have been beseiged with stories of his service to his neighbors. Over and over again people have shared the little and the not so little stories of his service to others. Repeatedly people have told his wife stories of times that they were down and out and Dennis would fix their cars for them at no charge, telling them simply to pay him when they could.

Someone told his wife that had everyone paid Dennis that they would be living in a mansion. She and I smiled at each other. For today Dennis lives in a mansion.

Special Cousins Day 2009

2009-05-09T22:44:00.004-04:00

Last weekend was such a fun time for us all. My sister Julie and her daughter Sarah came for a visit. Sarah and Lulea were adopted at the same time from the same orphange in China in March of 2006. In fact, they were residing in the same baby room. Ever since then we have held a "Special Cousins Day" for them each year. We haven't set an official date for it as our schedules vary from year to year. But they know they can count on having a special time together some time in the spring. I hope they never lose that special excitement about being special cousins.

Monday of course was chemo. My numbers were great again! We had a few scary moments when they couldn't get a blood return from my port. They flushed it and ran in some Heparin. Unfortunately there was still no blood return. At that point they decided to do a chest x-ray and make sure that it was still in one piece. Then it got a bit worse when they decided to send me to the hospital instead for contrast studies. That would have meant that I couldn't do chemo that day. But I had to do it that day as my schedule just wouldn't permit it any other day. So when Miss Stubborn As A Mule (that's me if you didn't already guess) insisted, they tried to access it one more time. Sucess! Thank you God! So I went ahead with my chemo.

It was a bit rougher week than usual and I'm really just now beginning to bounce back from it. Hopefully I will feel really well for Mother's Day. As always, I'm so grateful for all the prayers and support we have received. Our church has graciously supplied us with meals on my chemo week since last September. That's just unbelievable to me that so many people have come forward to bless us like this.

We also received another anonymous gift card this weekend, this time for Bojangles. Now who could possibly resist that! I have an idea as to who the giver may have been, but in case I'm wrong, let me just issue a blanket thank you to a very generous and loving individual.

It's so hard to believe that this our fourth Mother's Day since Sarah and Lulea came home to Julie and I from China. These little girls have come so far in such a short time. One day, in my spare time, I'll post a bit more about the circumstances from which they came. After having been there, it is a true miracle that they are loving, bonded, and well attached little girls at this point. I have to believe that God had his hand firmly in their situation before either of us even dared to dream of them.

For thou didst form my inward parts, thou didst knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise thee, for thou art fearful and wonderful. Wonderful are thy works! Thou knowest me right well; my frame was not hidden from thee, when I was being made in secret, intricately wrought in the depths of the earth. Thy eyes beheld my unformed substance; in thy book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.
Psalms 139:13-16

Don't you just love it when God so clearly tells you that He's got it under control. Now if only we'd let him do it His way and not try to take back that control. We could be so much happier letting Him do His job while we did our own.

Whining???

2009-04-24T18:43:00.006-04:00

I saw the oncology PA today about my port. The situation has not resolved and if anything the redness has spread a bit. I came out of the appointment with a prescription for Cipro. The PA said that it looks as though it wants to develop a bit of cellulitis. Obviously we can't have that since the port line pretty much goes to my heart.

I'm sure that I will be better in a few days. At the moment, however, I am not sleeping well. The port site is quite painful even still and is really interfering with my ability to get the proper amount of rest.

Enough of my complaining about trivial matters though. I have two specific prayer requests. It has been a tough week for several of the people in my life.

One of my "imaginary friends" is having a very hard time. This is the family whose house burned the first of this year, had a child rushed to the hospital for an emergency appendectomy and then lost their dog, all within a period of a few days. This time they have been dealt a crushing blow. One of their beautiful daughters has been diagnosed with a tumor in the pituitary part of her brain. Please pray for this entire family. I don't think they would mind if I shared that their daughter's name is Autumn.

Also this week, one of my neighbors learned that the dad's cancer has metastasized to his lungs. They are understandably shocked and grieved. Would you please include Dennis and his family in your prayers as well? Some weeks really put life in perspective.

One of our daughters from China faces obstacles unknown to most children. Although facing some very real medical, neurological, developmental and genetic issues, Aubri has an inner beauty which is immediately obvious.

When she was offered to us, we jumped at the chance to make her a member of our family. We adopted her at 17 months and think she hung the moon. She has been a joy and blessing in our lives. Because she has been such a joy I sometimes forget what a huge challenge life is to Aubri.

The other day I watched Aubri cut up her waffle at brunch. I watched as she put her entire concentration into her task. I watched as she leaned closer over the table to better see what it was she was actually accomplishing. I watched as she summoned all her available strength in her fingers and hands. I watched as she used her swollen arthritic joints. I watched as she summoned all the manual dexterity she has managed to find over the past 7 years thanks to intensive Occupational Therapy.

Cutting a waffle; a simple task for the majority of us, for Aubri a major milestone. Every once and a while it really hits me just how difficult life is for her. The things which we do repetitiously and think nothing of, are tremendous hurdles to her. This child's courage in facing the everyday of which we think nothing, puts me to shame. Okay, my port hurts. In a few days it'll be better and I can go back to unimpeded sleep, and relative comfort. When does Aubri get to do that?

Oh God, please forgive me for whining. I have such a great life and I don't thank you near often enough for all that you have done for me.

I will give thanks to You, O Lord my God, with all my heart, And will glorify Your name forever.
Psalms 86:12

Requesting Prayer

2009-04-22T19:42:00.003-04:00

This is what my port site feels like tonight. My chemo went okay on Monday. As always I was sent home with my chemo pump which continues infusing one of the chemo drugs (5FU)for another two days. Yesterday evening, Tuesday, the alarm on my pump started going off. This has never happened to me before. The port this time has been wonderful and problem free. But the pump kept reading *High Pressure*. I have a 24 hour emergency number to call if I have problems after hours though. I called the number and followed their instructions. By this time, the site was beginning to get a bit sore.

I woke up continually last night in quite a bit of pain at the site of my port where my pump was connected. This morning it just pure hurt. I went back to the chemo room to have the pump removed as is my usual routine. The problem presented itself immediately. The needle had worked its way about half-way out of the port and was dumping the chemo drug into my skin and surrounding tissues. No wonder it hurt!

They re-accessed the port with a new needle, flushed it and ran the Heparin through. That wasn't a lot of fun considering it already hurt.

Tonight it is still quite painful, reddened and slightly swollen. It is important that the site not become infected. Can I please ask all my prayer warriors to step it up tonight and pray that this resolves on its own, and the quicker the better.

2009-04-19T15:52:00.002-04:00

I'm writing just a short note this afternoon. It seems like only yesterday since my last chemo treatment but incredibly its that time again. First thing tomorrow morning I have to be at the lab. Assuming that my lab work looks okay, and I have no reason to think that it won't, then its on to the chemo room for the main event.

After my last treatment, I came down with strep throat. I didn't really bounce back quite the way I had with treatment #14, due to the infection. It's hard to imagine that tomorrow will herald the arrival of my 16th treatment in this round.

After church today I was asked by at least three separate people if I'm about through with my chemo. It's been a while since I went over my routine, so this might be a good time to review that.

There really isn't an end in sight for chemo. Every other Monday I go in for my infusion. I am then sent home with a chemo pump until Wednesday of that week. I have a CT Scan every 4 - 5 treatments to let us know where we stand. If the scan looks okay then I continue on as planned. If the scan isn't favorable, then we will switch around my routine a bit. The chemo treatments will last as long as I am able to tolerate them and they are effective. At some point of course it will be become too toxic and I will have to have at least a break from the routine. But the longer I can tolerate the treatments the longer I will have with my family.

It's an odd position to be in really. I don't look forward to my treatments. Yet, they are what extends my life. Nasty that they can be I am grateful. Had I been born 100 years earlier, even 50, the outcome would have been very different. I was diagnosed originally in October of 2006, although certainly the cancer had been there for a few years before I was diagnosed. I was Stage Four at diagnosis although nobody realized it at the time. There were "spots" on my lungs at diagnosis. But they were non-reactive on the PET. As it has show itself now, those "spots" were metastasis. So I am 31 months out from diagnosis. In the world of cancer, that's a long time. And I am sincerely grateful for every minute of that time.

I would appreciate prayers for tomorrow. Pray that my numbers look good, I tolerate the treatment reasonably well, continue to eat well, and give praise for the last 31 months.

The Voice of Truth

2009-04-11T18:46:00.012-04:00

The culmination of the ancient promise stood poised and ready that week. Jesus had sent for the donkey to complete the prophecy of his victorious ride into Jerusalem. Word spread quickly of the imminent victory. The streets began to fill with those who wished to view the triumph march of the soldier of the Lord. The joyous expectancy of long awaited attainment of scriptural promises appeared so close at hand. At last, the long awaited Messiah had come to claim His kingdom. The multitudes of Jerusalem, clothed in the legacy of oppression, had come to witness the materialization of their hopes, dreams and their faith.

As His approach of Jerusalem grew ever nearer and word spread like wildfire, the streets overflowed. When even standing room disappeared the reception brimmed over to the extend that even the trees began to fill with onlookers. The fever pitched roar of the excitement of His approach quickly turned to cheers and shouts of triumphant as Jesus passed their way. The jubilant spectators ceremoniously waved palm branches of ovation. Coats were thrown down to carpet the dusty road, a path of hospitality, as they welcomed the new king. There were no limits upon the joy and relief that the faithful anticipated witnessing. The day had arrived at long last and there was no end to the jubilee.

****** ****** ****** ****** ******

Three crosses hung empty upon a hill. Their dark deed of earlier that day outlined against the heavens. Their emptiness reflecting the same of the scores of citizens of Jerusalem and the disciples. Scattered, bewildered, humiliated and broken, there was nowhere now to turn for answers or comfort. That the expectancy of Palm Sunday should yield to the stark hopelessness of those empty crosses on that Friday was nearly unbearable. Where now was the victory? What had become of the promise, and how had the promise ended so suddenly, so violently? What a bleak dark end Jesus' death had put to the joy and hope. That end, crowning despair as king instead of Jesus as king, had settled through Jerusalem.

The disciples, some in hiding, reeled in grief and confusion. The pervading heaviness of their collective hearts seemed to stifle even the very air for which they now gasped. Where they asked was the healing? Where did this ending leave their faith? What was it in the first place that they thought they had heard and believed? What point had there been in their lives of the last few years? What had been accomplished? If Jesus the Christ, was indeed who He said He was, where then was His victory? Why then only failure in the place of victory? If He was our Lord and our savior, why would God have allowed His death? Why did He not save Himself? What kind of king would willingly submit to his own brutal execution?

Our earthly attempts at understanding divinity, so obviously lacking and consisting only of human reasoning begs for answers which we deem acceptable. Why grief, why sorrow, why suffering? Where is God and why would a loving God allow this to happen? How can we be sure that we are hearing God's response accurately? Why do our heads and our hearts arrive at different answers to the same question? Which is the one true voice of God and therefore the voice to which we belong? Which is the voice of truth?

Beverly was my friend for what seems only a brief time. We had met online and residing in the same state, began to chat with one another. I, as all others around her was shocked when she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I had known her for probably less than a year. Her prognosis was horribly grim. Beverly's faith was something miraculous to behold. She lived more deeply entrenched in the word than anyone I have ever known. She possessed a blessed assurance of life and a countenance of confidence. She needed those to continue to care for her family consisting of herself, her husband and seven children.

The last time that Beverly and I visited during her hospitalization at Durham Regional, we talked at length about the voice of truth and the courage to stand before a giant. Anyone who has had the honor of viewing Facing the Giants or heard Casting Crown's song, "The Voice of Truth" will instantly identify with our conversation. Cancer was Beverly's giant, as it is mine. We spoke at length regarding not listening to the discourager and recognizing the voice of truth.

Her death belies our human voice of reasoning. Firmly convinced from day one that God had promised her healing, her death shook the faith of many. Where was God? What promise had really been made? How do you know that it is the voice of truth to which you are listening? Who IS that talking to you anyway? Where is the victory?

The disciples, weighed down and victims of the entombment of grief and despair could easily have missed the great escape. Had they simply left Jerusalem the final victory and actual fulfillment of the ancient scriptures would have been missed. God's plan, though seemingly not understandable was so much larger than human expectations. Christ could have stepped down from the cross and taken up the sword at any time. God the Father could have rained fire and judgment upon the entire city of Jerusalem. At any moment there could have come the call to end it and a multitude of angry Heavenly hosts could have destroyed the earth with a whisper. Yet not one to "perform in splashy cinematography" He did not raise Christ from the cross amid thousands of Heavenly Hosts proclaiming His might. He chose instead to perform a quieter more private victory for those who hear His voice and would choose to listen and believe.

So often His voice is that small still voice. I have to remind myself to listen, really listen to hear Him, giving Him my full attention. He deserves no less but I sometimes find myself so distracted in human understanding and disbelief. It makes no sense on the surface. It defies human logic. But to whose logic is it that I am listening? Satan, so skilled at appeal, even seemingly using scripture to prove his point can carry us down the road of logical thinking. Beverly, one of the truly faithful, who dies after believing with her whole heart that she has heard His promise of healing - it makes no sense. Jessica, never having smoked a day in her life, dies of lung cancer - it makes no sense. Cancer itself - it makes no sense. Couples who deeply desire children remain childless while children are born to those who just abuse them - it makes no sense. Faithful servants of the Lord who suffer - it makes no sense. Hunger, homelessness, poverty - it makes no sense. Well intentioned churches are torn by politics - it makes no sense. War, death - it makes no sense. Where is God in the midst of mindless suffering and grief? These surely were the questions on the lips of the disciples late Friday, through the day Saturday and the first thing to veil and cloud their souls as they awoke on that Sunday morning.

Where do we find God in the midst of a confusing and often demoralizing world? There are times when allow the flood of finality to overtake me. When it does, He gently nudges my heart forward and reminds me that He is the in same place He always has been. He is in the same place that He was when He watched the agonizing death of His own son. It is His tears which fell as the cross finished its despicable and intended purpose. He gently reminds me that He is in front of me, hand outstretched, beckoning me to come to Him in my times of need and sorrow. His voice of truth still whispers in my ears. His sheep know His voice, the voice of truth. It is up to me, not Him to avail myself of His truth, love and salvation. It is not up to me to try to utilize human reasoning to understand the baffling world and events around me.

Chuck Swindoll theorizes that when you die and leave this world that you see in "panorama". You see what was, what is and what is yet to come. Having clear sight as that affords understanding and gives meaning to the meaningless. It is at that moment that we will have peace in seeing the whole plan. Those parts which seem so unclear to us now will make sense in context of all that God shows us. I suppose its like turning half way through a book and expecting that it will make sense. We have no idea of what has already been written and no knowledge of what is to come. What may seem incomprehensible is actually just a small piece of the whole puzzle.

As those closest to Jesus reeled in shock and despair, there was no understanding. The expectancy of victory was thought of in human terms born of our experience. Victory is force, victory is might. Victory produces winners and losers. They had no way to foresee that God's victory was so much greater, leaving open the door of possibility of only winners, with no losers. The senseless making sense in the context of the whole. How often do I view my world in only narrow human context without allowing for a greater whole?

And as I prepare my heart for my own coming day of jubilee many things weigh heavily upon me. Some of which I will share later and some I probably won't. When I stop and be still a quiet assurance awaits me if only I listen. I do rest in the assurance that the voice of truth will never leave or forsake me. Queen of logic and reasoning, a painfully linear thinker, life often doesn't make sense to me. Why this, why that Lord? It doesn't add up. Where is that whole anyway?

The indisputable finality of death cannot be ignored. But is it to be feared? That depends on your heart. In whom do I believe? In whom do I trust? If I trust Him, then what is there to be feared? Exactly how is it that I truly view death? While the season of Easter brings the joy of the Resurrection, the horror of betrayal on Maundy Thursday culminating in the stark brutality of the cross on Good Friday also cannot be ignored.

This Easter as many others, when I reflect upon the season in earnest I cannot help but recall the victorious words of hope and joy from a former pastor of ours, Sid Huggins, on an Easter Sunday many years ago. He related an account of the funeral of Sir Winston Churchill. A great admirer of Churchill who had a larger than life profile, Sid graphically described the expected pomp and circumstance of a state funeral. Painting a vivid word picture of the presence of the Queen, highest ranking military personnel, he moved to an account of two balconies filled with some of the world's finest brass musicians. Churchill had given detailed instructions for his funeral and it was closed in a manner of his choosing.

From one balcony, the soulful rendition of Taps was heard by a lone trumpeter paying his final tribute. As that last sad note of Taps faded into the distance of history in St. Paul's Cathedral, the congregation was awakened to the present and beyond as the music of multiple trumpeters burst forth from an opposing balcony. Heralding a new day by the joyous notes of Reveille the meaning was unmistakable. For you see Churchill knew, as do all Christians, that death is not the end, but the beginning.

Where oh death is thy victory? Where oh death is thy sting? Your victory was not in Jerusalem. Your victory does not exist in the life of a Christian.

The Lemonade Award - That For Which I Am Truly Grateful

2009-04-09T12:47:00.011-04:00

Although a long time in coming, it seems only fitting that since I was given this award, I should at the very least detail the things for which I am thankful. If I listed every one of my blessings, I suspect that blogspot's server would be so totally overloaded as to permanently crash it. Therefore I set as criteria to come up with a ten item list since the award operates in tens. This was even harder than trying to narrow down to whom the award should be passed. God has so richly blessed me that trying to limit my list to ten items is daunting. Nevertheless since that was the criteria I established, here they are, again in no particular order.

1. I am thankful beyond words for the man that God has given me for a husband. A man whose loyalty and commitment to me and our marriage has never been questioned. A man who has not let anything else in life supersede his role in our family. He has sacrificed repeatedly through the years for the good of his family and never once complained about it, rather he continues to assure us that his role as husband and father are at the top of his priority list. He is a wonderful father and has loved me with all his heart along with his total commitment for over 31 years now. Not a day goes by that he does not find some way to make sure that I am aware of his love. In the mornings for as long as I can remember a love letter awaits me on rising. My coffee is already made for me; a little thing, perhaps but it is a love letter in my heart. And although certainly not what we had envisioned for ourselves, I have no doubt but that he will be there for me at the end as he constantly tells me that he will take care of me no matter what. That, is what "for better or worse, in sickness or in health" is all about. Thank you my sweet husband and best friend.

2. I am grateful for my children - all of them. There is not a one who has at one time or another not brought joy and contributed something positive to our family. The majority of them are turning into fine young adults of whom I am so proud. Even the ones who are still not making good decisions and living outside the will of God are loved and always will be. While we are not so proud of some of their actions, most of them are at the very least attempting to fix things in their lives. For the others, well we do a lot of praying that they will one day figure it out. I cannot even imagine our family having never known any of them though as each of them was sent to our family in a very special way. Others are doing so well and bring joy on a daily basis. The ones who have been at home these last three years deserve special thanks. They have cooked, cleaned, transported me, kept me company and amused me on a daily basis. They've taken on responsibilities beyond their years and have for the most part done it in a cheerful manner. I love you my dear children.

3. From nearly the first moment my church and church family has been at our sides. They let us know how loving and giving a church we have. They wrapped their arms around us and surrounded us with care and support. We have wanted for nothing. Each and every chemo week, they are right there with meals. They have volunteered to sit with me through hospitalizations, appointments, and just trying times. They have provided transportation for little and nondriving bigger ones on a regular basis for dental appointments, speech and a myriad of events. In an incredible act of generosity last fall, they took over work on our house and completed it in an amazing way. Various members have loaned us their vacation houses so that we could have time together as a family. They have made serious donations to us to ensure that we could indeed enjoy ourselves. Words cannot possibly do justice to the kindnesses that have been shown to our family by this wonderful community of believers. They have demonstrated in every way possible that the body of Christ stands together. I honestly don't know how people get through trying times without a church family. We extend our deepest gratitude Jarvis church.

4. My extended family has been amazing. Each and every one of them has made life a little more bearable for us, particularly over the past six or seven months. What a blessing our relatives have been to us through this trial. Both Howard and I are lucky enough to still have both of our parents. My sisters and brothers, as well as their spouses, have been a wonderful source of love and support for us both. They have visited, phoned on a regular basis, sent many an email, and even thrown us little parties. Listening ears have been provided for us all from youngest on up. Our children know that they are loved by so many and that is a source of great comfort to them. Without fail, they have made sure that both the children and Howard know that they are in it for the long haul. That is a reassurance that they really need so I am particularly appreciative of this. And of course I could not possibly forget to mention our wonderful daughter in law and mother to our first granddaughter, sweet little Maggie. Bethany, our Daughter-in-law has spent the last year of her life ensuring that the first year of little Maggie's life is a happy one. Always a formidable task, Bethany has had more than the usual first year challenges taking Maggie from this:

to this:

I also want to mention that our daughter-in-law's family and church family have been a source of great support and comfort to us. Thank you family.

5. Then I have a network of friends who are always there for me, both in real life and those who are only an email away. Although perhaps not seen on a regular basis, when we had a huge need before Christmas I had no less than three of these "imaginary friends" as Howard calls them to offer to come and help as we needed. None of them even live in our state. Daily they email me, chat, provide nutritional advice, and check up on me. They have blessed me with items such as prayer quilts, uplifting books, wonderful Christian CDs, food gift cards to be used on those nights that our church is not supplying our dinner but I still just don't feel up to cooking, cards of encouragement, and most of all their love. I doubt that they could possibly ever know how much their hearts have meant to me. I thank you dear "imaginary friends".

6. I am greatly blessed with numerous material comforts, and I am truly grateful for this. We have a very comfortable life and compared to the majority of the world are extremely rich. We live in a wonderful home, have heat and air conditioning, plenty of clothing for us all, cars to drive, computers, TVs, books to read, abundant hot running water available at any time. Our water is completely potable, an abundance of fresh vegetables and produce, meats, and convenience foods are available at a variety of grocery stores which are continually stocked. I'll never forget a story I read as a child. My parents subscribed to Readers Digest. During the height of the cold war, a woman from Russia visited the states. She was hosted in a typical American household. Her hostess attempted to make her comfortable but kept meeting with rebuff. Everything which the hostess tried to show her was met with an icy "We have those only better in Russia." Eventually the hostess needed to replenish her groceries and took the woman from Russia with her to the grocery store. As she stood among the seemingly endless rows of fresh produce her icy demeaner fell and she wept as she surveyed the abundance which makes up our everyday lives. I think we often forget just how blessed we are. I thank God for His marvelous provision not only for our basic needs, but a great deal of our wants as well.

7. I am grateful for the health and time I do have. While it may seem a bit strange, one thing which is learned quickly when entering the world of cancer is priorities. Things which only a short time ago were worries, are now only minor annoyances or perhaps even nonfactors. I do not choose to use my energies to worry needlessly or become angry at silly stuff like slow moving traffic or the driver who blows their horn and then proceeds to cut me off in traffic. Even in my limited time situation, I am truly grateful for the time which I have. I am fully aware that life is brief and can be taken in instant. I have the benefit of some time to finish projects, prepare my children who are capable of understanding, and say the things that I want to make sure my loved ones know. How often is a life ended suddenly with a heart attack, stroke or accident. How fortunate I am to have some time. Knowing that the tomorrows are limited, has made me extremely grateful for today. While certainly my health is not great, there are many whose health is much much worse. At this time, I am still able to be up and about most of the time. I am able to interact with my family and friends, and enjoy life the majority of time. Any day that I get out of bed is a good day.

8. I am grateful for a plethora of what some would consider small blessings, the majority of which are not really small. We live in the wealthiest country in the world. While our economy is not where the many of us would like, we are still blessed with opportunities that most would only dream of. We live in a free country where we are afforded the ability to have whatever career we desire, freely change jobs if we wish, go to the college of our choice, and in our case the freedom to choose to homeschoool our children. We worship as we desire rather than having to hide in basements to fellowship with other believers in praising our heavenly father. Although at times threatened, at least for now we are able to openly express our faith. We have excellent medical care available, we read waht we desire rather than what our government deems appropriate, freely view movies and television at our discretion, attend concerts of musicians who do not need government approval to perform or are limited to approved subject matter, and view art work of the artist's choosing. We own our homes, have a wealth of appliances available for purchase at reasonable prices, freely travel outside our borders, and raise our children as we see fit. How often do we tank God for these things which we often take for granted?

9. I am grateful for my five senses. This is one of those things which those of us fortunate to have been born without special needs simply do not think about with any regularity. I am thankful that I have ears to hear the music I love, the sweet 'I love yous" of children, and assurances from my husband that he is and always will be beside me. I have eyes to behold God's majestic mountains, to watch the crashing waves of the ocean, the colorfully spectacular beauty of a winter day's sunset, to see the faces of as my children as they break into infectious smiles and watch as they grow to fine adults. I am grateful for taste which makes appealing delicious life sustaining food and better yet - chocolate. I am grateful for my sense of smell used appreciate the sweet fragrence of fresh flowers, cookies baking in the oven and the unique perfume of an infant's head. Lastly, I am grateful for the sense of touch used to feel the strong supportive arms of my husband around me to comfort me in my weaker moments, to feel the sweet touch of a small child's arms around my neck and feel the wet sloppy kisses of the very young. So rarely do I remember to thank God for my senses, but my life would be very different without any one of them.

10. Listed last, but first on the list is God who gave His son for us, Christ's redeeming love for us who are so undeserving. I cannot imagine my life without God's presence. What if He had just given up on us? I don't believe I would blame Him if He did. Throughout thousand's of years of history we have continually strayed and disappointed God yet continue to call Him when in need. Throughout it all His grace and mercy are as reliable as the sun's rising each and every morning. Without His gift where would we put our hope, what would we have to live for, in whom could we rely, how could the day be something we look forward to, and in fact why would we even rise for a new day without promise of an eternal bright tomorrow of a heavenly exsistence? Thank you Lord for your unending and unchanging love.

Happy April Fool's Day

2009-04-01T16:11:00.004-04:00

It's been a good week although when it is I tend to overdo a bit and end up very tired. I'm afraid that I may not feel up to doing anything next week though so I push myself (sometimes too much) on my non-chemo weeks.

I got up early today and got the kids going. I told them that they had doctor's appointments this afternoon so they needed to get their chores and schoolwork done quickly so they could have an early lunch. I told them I had an errand to run first so we had to leave early. They were compliant and got almost everything done, were dressed, packed up unfinished schoolwork and were ready to go at 12:30. We left and went to the Kroger/Target shopping center, unloaded the car and started in to Barnes and Noble. As I came around the side of the van, I had my camera which they didn't know. I snapped these pictures as I said, "April's Fools!" The only shots you're getting are at Starbucks. We all had a good laugh and went in for treats.

Four years ago our dossier to China and was logged in on April Fool's Day. That ended up being amazingly prophetic of everything that happened to delay our referral of Lulea. It became a comedy of errors for our group to the point all we could do was laugh as it dragged on and on. Of course though, it ultimately resulted in the best birthday present I could have imagined. For my 50th birthday we got Lulea's referral. We were all so excited. When our agency emailed us her little picture though what we saw was the most melancholy child I've ever seen. But oh my, what a transformation from the sad little girl with vacant eyes to our little spitfire who we affectionately call Attila the Huney.

I think I like April 1st.

Short Update From This Week

2009-03-27T11:35:00.003-04:00

Chemo on Monday went well. I was so much stronger after my break. The difference was immediately obvious. When I called Howard to tell him that I was done and back home he commented right away on how much stronger my voice sounded this time. And once again, my blood counts were perfect! That is just amazing. The first two times through chemo, if you recall I had a hard time with anemia and at one point my white blood cell count dropped as well. Your prayers that I can continue to eat well have worked friends. Please continue to pray for this.

Of course Monday night was steroid night so I didn't get much sleep. I made up for it on Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. My pump as removed midday on Wednesday. I was pretty well whipped by then but still feeling so much better than the last few treatments.

The last treatment before my break was pretty challenging, but I didn't realize till now just how run down I had been the previous few treatments even before that. I'm glad that we decided to treat the fiasco that was my 13th treatment as a fluke. This one, number 14, was fine as it had been in the early stages of this chemo which began last fall. Of course there has been some mild nausea, but again it is controllable. I took a different tactic with it this time. Not wanting a repeat of #13, I have continued to take my anti-emetics regularly whether I felt I needed them or not.

Wednesday night I was pretty tired so I went to bed early again. Tonight, Thursday, I am exhausted and headed to bed any minute now.

I just can't thank the members of my church enough. Again, they have provided our meals on this chemo week as they have ever since this began. I am constantly amazed at the love, outpouring of support, and generosity that we have been the very grateful recipients of through this entire episode in our lives. It makes such a huge difference to not have dinner hanging over me when I'm really about done for the day.

We're Home!

2009-03-25T10:44:00.002-04:00

At long last, we're home. It seems like a very long time since I've lived in my own home. After spending the better part of a week in the hospital and then three weeks away at the retreat, this is unfamiliar territory. I apologize for not updating any sooner. I did not have internet while I was away. that was certainly different for me.

The picture above is what we came home to last year. A sudden gust of wind or small tornado, we never did find out for sure, had hit our yard. It took down our big Leland Cypress tree and placed it across our fence as well as our neighbor's fence. It also totally tore up the above ground pool which we simply had to remove.

I had an unexpected and wonderful surprise after I got out of the hospital. Wesley, Bethany and Maggie "popped in" for a visit for the weekend. It was wonderful to see them and even better to visit and see all the progress that Maggie has made.

We had all planned to go to church the last Sunday here, but the weather took a real turn for the worse. Wesley, Bethany and Maggie had to get home as when her dad called them early that day it was already sleeting where they live. A quick check on the weather and we determined that I had to leave much earlier than expected. We quickly threw our things in the van and bugged out to arrive before the snow came. We were able to get there and get to the grocery store and get the van unloaded. Poor Maddie and Julianna unloaded the majority of the van in a pouring rain . They were absolutely soaked by the time that they got everything inside. Then the expected happened. The temperature dropped very suddenly, the rain froze and the snow began. Within an hour we had 2 inches of snow on the ground. We were so thankful that we got there and settled in before the snow storm hit.

The first week was great. Some of the activities that were planned had to be restructured due to the amount of snow which hung around till midweek. The kids had a wonderful time reacquainting with their friends, attending planned activities and swimming. I got a chance to rest and recuperate. I really didn't feel much like participating in the activities so much as my energy level was pretty low after just lying around in the hospital the week before. So I took the opportunity to just rest. I was so glad that others came to my unit to visit. It's a good thing that we were all near to each other as driving was not in the picture, especially with 15 passenger vans. By the end of the week, I was feeling considerably better though and ready to start getting out a bit.

The middle week, Julianna got sick. Slightly odd I know but we have a pediatrician there as well as here. But she is not in on Tuesdays and I wasn't able to locate anyone else who could see her. That of course meant Urgent Care. But none of the Urgent Care Centers there would allow me to wait somewhere other than the regular waiting room which I just couldn't do. I can't run the risk of picking up a rogue infection in a waiting room while I'm on chemo. The wonderful thing about this retreat is the sense of community. In no time at all another mom had volunteered to take her to Urgent Care. This poor lady sat for several hours in the waiting room with my child who had strep throat causing her to be late for her own son's birthday party. That is the way though that people are and why we love this so much. There is nothing that people wouldn't do for each other. By the end of the week she too was feeling better and we began to be able to get out a bit.

The third and final week, Howard was able to join us which was great. There were activities and tours to take advantage of, programs to hear, and time with old friends. We only see these people once a year and this is an event which we all look forward to so much. This year was looking pretty iffy but God pulled it off anyway. I can't even begin to tell you how many things had to fall perfectly in place in order for this to happen. It was truly a God thing that this happened this year. I really want to make sure that He gets the credit for this in our lives.

Saying good-bye was so much harder than I thought it would be. This particular set of friends means a great deal to us. This is a group of fellow Christians, homeschoolers for the most part, all of whom have larger sized families. This is the seventh year in a row that we have attended this, missing only the first year. While we "know" each other through email, the yearly in person time really cements our friendships. In all things at this retreat it is God who is given the glory for bringing it all together.

Tina pulls all of this together every year and is seldom given enough credit or thanks for organizing the retreat and making sure that it runs seamlessly, no matter how many kinks there are. She has been a marvelous mentor to so many of us, possessing a tranquil countenance and a faithfulness to God which shines in all of her words and actions. She constantly encourages us but is not the least bit hesitant to speak up and ask the tough questions which challenge our set patterns of thinking. Every retreat is an opportunity for spiritual growth as well as the fun aspect of the weeks. Saying good-bye yesterday was hard. But I thank you Tina for the opportunities you have provided through the years and mostly your loving friendship.

I would be hesitant to even try to name all the other MOMYS who mean so much to me as well. I would surely leave someone out. Through the years you all have provided so much friendship, love, sound biblical advice, a place to safely talk out issues, provided assistance to us all, encouraged us, prayed for us, given loving friendship to my children, provided good influences and worry-free friends to them in the form of your own well raised children, and just plain good company. Thank you all, and mostly to God for bringing us all together.

Celebrations

2009-02-27T22:16:00.004-05:00

My last chemo treatment before the beginning of my three week break certainly didn't start out the way I envisioned! My infusion Monday went fine as before and I went home feeling okay. Shortly after dinner I developed a bad headache. Within a couple of hours it went from bad to worse. I was able to take enough medication though that I went on to sleep. About 5:00am on Tuesday I woke up very nauseated and with what was probably the worst headache of my life. I took a Zofran which is an orally dissolving tablet. Within minutes I knew it would take more and also took a Phengren tablet. The Phenegren stayed down about a minute and a half. That began a cycle of vomiting that just wouldn't stop. Around noon, Howard took me to the doctor's office where they put me in their sick room and started some IV fluids. In the fluids they also ran more Phengren and Demerol for my head. No go - the vomiting just wouldn't stop. At that point they did an MRI of my head since my headache was so intense. Praise God, the MRI was clear. But it didn't solve the problem. At that point they told us that they were going to admit me.

If you live around here you know that there are many times that getting a bed at our hospital is easier said than done. Praise God again, they were able to get me a bed so I went straight through admissions to the floor! They ran in lots more fluids as at that point I was totally dehydrated. I was also given more IV Phenegren as well as IV Zofran and Morphine alternated with Darvocet for the headache.

I felt better on Wednesday and really hated that Wednesday was Ash Wednesday. I missed the Ash Wednesday service at church for the first time. But as always God provided a delightful surprise for me. A few years ago I used to take the girls to speech on Thursday mornings and when we were done we would stop by Starbucks. Their $1.00 kids drinks are a great reward. The barista who was always there took an interest in them and was always friendly and many times gave them little treats to go with their drinks. She and I developed a friendship as a result. After a time though she had to leave in order to devote more time to her seminary classes. Well, she now works at the hospital one night a week. Unknown to me, her night to work was Wednesday. When I realized that I was going to miss the service, I had asked if the hospital chaplain could do the services of ashes. So of course, who was it that I asked for? Why my friend Valeria of course! What a neat God thing to happen.

Thursday I went downhill and had a tough day delaying my release until this morning on Friday. This morning I felt well enough to leave the hospital and go home. I was so happy when I got out of there. The kids were extremely worried and just wanted Mama home with them. That's what I wanted as well. I was sent home with a script for Morphine as well as pretty much everything else I could possibly need. Oh its so good to be home!

This has been yet another miracle in a long stream of miracles. Fairly obviously my body needs this break so my scheduled 3 weeks off came at just the right time. So many things had to come together for this 3 week break/vacation to come together. At several times I really didn't think there was any way that we could attend the retreat this year. The kids were so disapointed as we don't see the majority of these people but once or twice a year. But in everything else that we have deeply desired or needed to do, God has worked out a way. Amazing.

On Monday bloodwork was "perfect" yet again. This is just phenomenal. After 12 treatments in this, my third time through of chemo my counts are right where they should be again. This is wonderful. My weight, well that's another matter. When I got on the scales at the doc's office Monday, I nearly cried. Howard and I talked about it for a while after the nurse left. Since I firmly believe that continuing to eat right is what's making the difference in my blood counts, I hesitate to try to make too many dietary changes at this point in time. And of course, I can't do anything about the weight that the steroids are putting on me. But my clothes don't fit anymore. Howard's solution? Buy more clothes. Ha, what woman wouldn't enjoy hearing that remark coming from her husband. I'd rather fit into the clothes I already have. Of course my little jaunt in the hospital and the world of clear liquidsd has probably help to alleviate this situation. Kind of a tough diet though.

So why is this post entitled "Celebrations" ? Because we got the results of my CT scan last week and it was positive news. My liver continues remains clean. That is remarkable news. The tumors in my lungs are stable. While they are not shrinking, they aren't growing either. As long as they remain stable, I'm okay and my chemo can continue on schedule. And we are going to continue despite the setback of this week. At this point we are treating it like a fluke and will continue full schedule on the 23rd unless I cannot tolerate it.

Speaking of celebrations, I neglected to post about our celebration near the end of January. Stephanie's birthday was the 24th of January. She turned 19! That just completely throws my mind for a loop. Stephie was five when she first joined our family.

We ended Stephanie's birthday celebration with quite the excitement. We had decided that we would observe Chinese New Year at her birthday party this year. So the birthday theme was Chinese. Stephanie had asked Julianna to make her a cake this year and decorate it. And so she did with wonderful results as I hear it.

After our friends went home, Stephanie and Julianna took Me-maw and Granddaddy back home. Only Uncle Tim was left. Our neighbors across the street are Chinese. They called and asked if we would like to come over to shoot some fireworks in their backyard in honor of Chinese New Year. As we all enjoy fireworks we went right over. Well, Lulea enjoys the idea of Fireworks somewhat more than she enjoys the noise that they make.

Dr. Sun's son and his wife had been given some pretty heavy duty fireworks by friends of theirs. These were seriously exploding ones like you see at a display put on by a city - being shot by amateurs. We enjoyed the ones that exploded right over us along with the few which went astray and exploded in a direction a bit different than what was originally intended. One of them went high in the air and over the house to the front raining a green fire in the sky. We watched for a half hour or so before Stephanie and Julianna returned from taking Me-maw and granddaddy home. We had called on their cell phone to let them know where we were and to come over as well.

Their arrival timing was perfect. They came running to the backyard and told us that the Sun's front yard was on fire. And indeed it was. That pretty green firework had unfortunately set the grass on fire. This was pretty surprising considering all the rain we've had coupled with four inches of snow earlier in the week. But on fire it indeed was. Howard, Tim, the older girls and I began trying to stomp it out while the Sun's ran for water hoses. By the time all was said and done it left a burned circle about five feet by ten feet. It certainly provided a memorable Chinese New Year celebration.

So we have had ample reason to celebrate our blessings as of late. Undeniably this week was a setback but as usual friends, family and our church immediately stepped in to us. God has put us in a situation where there is plenty of help whenever we need it and in any way we need. And believe you me, we needed it this week. And much to my relief, I discovered that I have a quietly assertive minister without whom I would have had an even worse day Thursday than I already did.

Cat scan looked good.

2009-02-25T09:06:00.002-05:00

Monday cat scan results were good. No growth in the tumors.
However,Reaction to chemo not so good.I am in the Hospital

Smoothie Anyone?

2009-02-21T22:51:00.003-05:00

The week hasn't gone according to my plan. I seem to stay sick a great deal these days. Much of this week I have spent sleeping. A high degree of bad news this week has done its best to keep us on our toes. Although in reality, it didn't happen this way, it felt as though we learned of someone else in our midst with cancer nearly every day.

On Thursday my breakfast consisted of a berry smoothie. My CT scan was scheduled early so my "breakfast" was early as well. Having to ingest much of anything, other than coffee at an early morning hour is enough to make my stomach turn on a good day. When item ingested is a berry smoothie, well lets just say its not always pretty. For those who are wondering, berry smoothie, is the flavor I was given of the contrast barium sulfate which I need to drink before the CT. This substance is not as horrible as several things I have drunk prior to testing. It is however, a watered down version of a smoothie whose main ingredient tastes for the world like chalk.

I went to the CT and was fortunate enough to draw my favorite CT tech to start my IV. She never misses, no bruises and doesn't even hurt. This is a far contrast from the techs in the PET department. On my last trip there, it took five sticks, and three people to get the IV in. Boy that was fun.

As if the number of sticks wasn't enough, my lousy veins actually bent the plastic catheter while in my arm. The poor little young tech couldn't get it any further in, and she couldn't pull it out as bent as it was. She was getting panicky so I finally told her to just go ahead and rip - it was inevitable. We had a red geyser which coated me, her and a good portion of the room. She was so apologetic and I really felt sorry for her. After she got the bleeding controlled and cleaned us both up a bit, she went and got her supervisor who was visibly upset at the little incident. It was her intention to get that needle in and get it in quickly. That didn't happen. After two tries she went and got another nurse who specializes in "hard sticks." It took her two tries and she finally had to place it in a deep vein on the underside of my forearm. Yeh, that was fun. So having Missi in CT is a huge blessing for me. As always, first time, no incident, no pain. Have I mentioned how much I love Missi?

The CT is actually over quickly. I think I had mentioned that I tend to get very anxious during and after the CT. Usually I lie there and recite scripture on fear to myself during the actual scan. There were a number of people who were praying for me during this one. Their prayers were both felt and answered. I was very calm and peaceful during this one. While I would continue to ask that you pray, I also have a very real peace regarding the results we will receive on Monday.

When I left I had an eye doctor appointment almost next door. Chemo has a tendency to change your vision. It isn't recommended that you change your glasses or contacts prescription while you are still in chemo simply because it will probably change again. But my vision has deteriorated so badly with this round that I didn't have much choice if I was to be able to continue to read or walk through my house without falling over furniture and small children.

Monday we get the CT results and I have a my Baker's Dozen/final chemo treatment scheduled before my good long three week break. I am so hoping that this treatment is a bit easier than the last few have been.

Please add to your prayer list: Gay, Cathie, Molly, Daniel, Lydia, Jill, Jim, Kenny and Donna. All of these people have had bad news in the last two weeks regarding cancer. I really don't understand it. I know that when you buy a car, you suddenly notice how many other people drive that particular type of car. If you buy a Nikon camera instead of a Cannon, it seems like everyone and their brother has a Nikon, or vice versa. Perhaps I'm experiencing a variation of this with cancer. But I just can't imagine why so high a number of people around me have received this diagnosis in the last two to three years.

Twice tonight this subject has come up around me. And even though I do believe that somehow, all of this fits in God's master plan, the grief is still there and has to be dealt with on a daily basis. With much conscious effort, it isn't stopping us from having as much family fun and time together as we can, but it's there with us - always. We have all learned that the tears are okay. We continue to learn to love through the tears of grief, and how to just go ahead and cry while doing enjoyable things anyway. Personally, I concentrate on the magnitude of blessings that I have. And I am grateful beyond mere words for that which I have been given. I try to rest in God as much as possible, because that is where I find my peace. I can't even imagine why this is happening to so many, but I do trust God that His plan supersedes all that I could even imagine.

Wildflower Ranch

2009-02-09T20:24:00.003-05:00

Pam Cone
1/04/1956 - 2/06/2009

We were in the midst of Howard's dad's 85th birthday party Saturday night when it turned unexpectedly sad for me as I received word of my friend, Pam's death overnight.

Around twelve years I first began dabbling in the world wide web, the information superhighway, now known as the internet. One of the first people that I "met" online was Pam. She was a kind and gentle person who had some reservations concerning becoming involved with email lists. She was unsure whether or not it was safe and which lists were trustworthy. At the time, there was no Yahoogroups. In fact, it was before Egroups, which was preceded by Onelist, one of the first free mail list programs available to the general internet public.

At the time there were bulletin boards at various websites such as IVillage's Parent's Place. Pam was not the only person who I met originally at Parent's Place. I had recently joined an email list whose target audience was big families. Most of the families had children who were adopted. And the majority of those children had been adopted as older children.

A single mom to 12, Pam was head of her adoptive family. As with the majority of older child adoptions, there were unexpected challenges. Pam was eager to have contact with other like families. I recommended the email list that I was already on in the Onelist community. Pam decided that she would indeed give it a try. Over time, we, as well as other of my friends joined the FFLF email list and became a family.

Through the years, Pam was a valuable contributor to our internet family with her blend of wisdom and humor. Occasionally our internet family had its squabbles, as in any family. Pam, however, possessed the unique ability to not involve herself in the actual controversy. Beyond that, her posts were perpetually kind and left people feeling good about themselves no matter which side of the fence they sat. Even in times of confusion and turmoil in her own life, she imparted a sincerity and clarity of purpose, joined with a humility which is rare today.

I regret that I never had the opportunity to meet Pam in person, or IRL (In Real Life) as it is known on the internet. She remained as my husband calls them, one of my imaginary friends. It is difficult I suppose for many to understand what deep friendships are forged through the years on the internet with those who have the same heart and purpose in life. Even through email though Pam's sincerity and love for humanity were obvious to all who knew her. Her email tag line very much summed up Pam's personality and read as follows:

I believe that friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet
when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.
Pamela at Wildflower Ranch, Where Angels Live and Children Bloom

Pam was truly one of our earthly angels and will be greatly missed.

6 Months and a Million Years Ago

2009-02-05T17:05:00.004-05:00

I am really looking forward to my break in a few weeks. Although I'm okay, I can feel that my body is ready for a rest. By Friday of my chemo week it used to be that I was well on the way to being myself again. I didn't really start to perk up this time till this Tuesday. Wednesday I felt even better. Today though was the first time I really felt like myself. Of course by mid afternoon, I'm still pretty much done.

Monday is chemo day. Please continue to pray that this treatment will be manageable as the others have been. The following week I will be having a CT scan. The CT scan is the hardest thing I face. I have really struggled with waiting for the results of this particular test. I know this is silly. Whatever it shows is the same thing that it is before the test. But once I have actually had the CT I inevitably end up being so apprehensive. Considering the fact that the last two scans have yielded such positive results I suppose it's a bit odd that I still feel this way, but I do.

As I watch the time pass, my emotions fluctuate wildly. I so look forward to my break in another three weeks. I can't wait for that time to pass. But it's another three weeks, almost another month of my life which will have passed by. All of these months are passing by so quickly. And I remember that I don't have an endless supply of months left.

I was attempting to clean out my email Inbox this morning. Those of you who know me well, are aware that I tend to "store a few emails" from time to time. Okay, never mind, you all can read through that. Taking a very deep breath, I admit it. I hoard email. So, I was attempting to set a precedent and start the day off with a positive action, cleaning it out a little.

Rather than my usual order I attempted to walk on the wild side of life and start randomly. I slid my cursor up the dates and began. The date I landed on was June 22 of this year. Among many other items were a few internet pages which I had emailed to myself. Some of those dealt with scrapbook room layout and storage ideas. There were recipes which I had found Foodie Blogs and emailed to myself. And a few letters of correspondence from one of my sisters concerning a visit to her house for one of my children. This random stroke of my cursor produced such a microcosmic reflection of our lives only six short months ago.

How could this possibly have been only six short months ago I asked myself. It seems more like a million years ago. At the time, the older girls and I were planning on converting a now unused bedroom into a scrapbook/craft room. Having become a bit bored with our usual fare residing on our dinner menu, I was pulling all sorts of new recipes and techniques to try in the kitchen. Maddie was looking so forward to her upcoming trip to my sister's house which would culminate in her first train ride on Amtrak to arrive back home. Our summer vacation was upcoming and we were making our final preparations for that in a week or two as well. Six months ago, a million years ago.

Reflecting on what I had found from six months ago, I moved my cursor back down to my current messages in my Inbox. Found were an email from Duke to inform me of a follow up appointment, kind words and responses to my prayer requests, and informational news from some alternative treatment type cancer sites on the internet. This is the sum total of my present life? Oh dear oh dear, I don't think so. Looking only at my inbox it would be easy to draw the conclusion that cancer has consumed our lives. When we had initially received close to the worst news that a doctor has the unpalatable duty to deliver, it would not be a stretch to admit that our lives were consumed with my diagnosis. The recent messages in my Inbox would have been an accurate reflection of our lives.
So, a decision must be made. Do I allow my diagnosis to consume whatever life I have left or do I allow God to put the joy back into our lives? Shortly after we received the news, I had made the statement several times that I was not going to allow Satan to steal my joy. I really meant that. Then came yet more bad news, minor surgery, the ever delightful lung biopsy, less than stellar treatment options from one of a nationally known premier university hospitals, and a bucket load of issues from children who've already experienced innumerable losses in their young lives. Where is our joy? One of my many little truisms which I have unselfishly shared constantly with my children throughout the years is the statement that "no decision is a decision."

What decision have we made by not consciously making a decision for happiness, but at times allowing satan to encroach upon our lives giving cancer unspoken permission to rule by default? I reflect back to the last visit with our oldest son, his wife and the potential joy which surrounded me. Four of my girls were in the room with me, happy smiling children enjoying one of our house guests that weekend. My youngest, Lulea was sitting in a chair holding my beautiful new grand daughter Maggie and looking like the most proud aunt that she is. Maggie was making those deliriously delightful little baby coos which accompany her silly little open mouthed smile as only a baby is capable. You know that smile; the one where they draw their legs close to their bodies and wave their plump little arms while the smile envelopes their entire face causing their already round little cheeks to seemingly puff out like a balloon of joy and contentment.

How simple and wonderful life is to a baby. Happiness does not have to be a conscious decision to them; they simply enjoy life as it presents itself. But for we who are a bit older, life is more complex. We have to look ahead. Or at least that what we've been told we had to do. Look ahead, make your plans, your road map. If you don't know where you're going, you're probably not going to get there. Where is your mission statement? Are your five year goals written or just assumed? Have you provided for your retirement, your kids' education, and on and on and on. What happened to enjoying the here and now? Paul told us to be content in every circumstance, to be content with the enjoyment of the here and now. I have to admit that this is hard for me. Having majored in accounting, I like order, it makes me happy. Structure, I think the politically correct term for it is now. Whatever it's called, I like it, always have. How then do I reconcile my "need" for structure and order in my life with enjoying the happiness of the here and now and accepting the fact that the happiness I have now needs to be enough - for now.

We've always told our children that happiness is a choice. You can chose to be miserable or you can chose to be happy. While we may not be able to decide which events of life touch us, we can decide what our reactions to those events are. It's always so hard when look in the mirror of life and find that your own words are staring you in the face.

My oncologist's PA made a statement to me a couple of weeks ago. She observed that in all probability my most difficult adjustment would be to learn to think in terms of short segments of time. Having always been a bit of a type A personality, full of long range goals and plans, trying to adjust my thinking to life in three month segments or less, is quite a stretch for me. It becomes all the more difficult to try to follow the advice of scripture.

"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day's own trouble be sufficient for the day."
Matthew 6:34

One day at a time? I can't even make a list of projects, what about the chore chart? What about planning my meals for the next six months? What about micro managing and planning, well everything? Hmmm, didn't I go through this a year or so ago? You know, that period of time where I agreed to give it to God to whom it belonged in the first place? Thought we'd already been down that road. Evidently, I'm not quite as smart as I thought I was. Seems I didn't learn that lesson particularly well. So here we are again, same issue. But then, even Burger King doesn't advertise "Have it your way" anymore.

Which leaves me still with the same dilemma. How do I look forward to things without engaging in the proverbial "wishing my life away"? The honest answer is I simply don't know. If I ever figure it out, I'll let you know. Sometimes life doesn't come in neat little packages. That's why we have God. When life is beyond our understanding, we can take comfort in the fact that His ways are not our ways, His thoughts are not our thoughts and His understanding is not confined to that neat little box in which like to confine ourselves.

11 Down - 2 To Go

2009-01-28T07:20:00.002-05:00

And then I get a break. I will have my two scheduled chemo treatments in February and then I will have about a three week break. My body needs it. This round has been okay, a bit more nausea than before, but still controllable. My numbers still look good. This is the first time that I have had any nagging doubts as to whether they were good or not. But what a wonderful surprise when my labs came back strong again.

It is just phenomenal how well I have done with this regimen. Although certainly not my favorite thing to do, I really feel as though I could do this for an extended time. But - the upcoming break is my best news.

Once again, I want to thank all of you who are praying for me. Your prayers are making such a difference. I am well aware of just how much I am blessed. On Monday I sat next to a woman in the chemo room who had only had one treatment. Unfortunately it was a bit too much of a shock to her body and she ended up in the hospital over the weekend. Her platelets were so low that they were afraid she'd bleed out. All of this after only one treatment. She is, I fear, going to have a very long and hard road ahead of her.

Contrast her story with mine. Things like this can really humble you. Thank you God for allowing me such an easy time as I have had of this.

The Lemonade Award

2009-01-23T23:44:00.003-05:00

Part I - Passing It On

Alexa at Rocaroundthecloc has given me a "Lemonade Award" for showing good attitude or gratitude. I, in turn am to award it to ten other bloggers. Those ten bloggers are now to pass it on to ten other bloggers for their great attitudes or gratefulness. When Alexa, sent me this award I was surprised and touched to be one of her recipients. Then of course panic set in. I had the same initial thought as she did, "Do I even know ten other bloggers?" When I actually sat and thought for a moment though, I realized I know a whole lot more than ten other bloggers and that's when real panic set in. How would I ever choose? I know so many people with really great attitudes and attitudes of gratefulness, most of whom are facing large challenges in their lives. I really struggled with this. There's just too many people I want to be like when I grow up.

After much deliberation though I settled on the following in no particular order:

1. Tonya at www.journey2china4ayla.blogspot.com Tonya gets the Lemonade award for faithfulness in the face of extreme adversity. Her little Ayla has fought a tough battle with retinoblastoma since shortly after Tonya and Jason brought her home from China. What an inspiration you've been to us all Tonya!

2. Julie at www.crazyaboutsarah.blogspot.com Julie gets the Lemonade Award for - wait for it - patience. Yes, Julie I can hear you laughing three hours away. But Julie has shown great patience in her life. You see she and her husband have been building a house since December of 2007 and they have several more months to go. So far nobody has been strangled and no one has their own wing in an asylum.

3. Theresa at www.largefamilymomma.blogspot.com Theresa gets Lemonade Award for her ability to use her droll humor while she dishes out wisdom to us all. Theresa is the momma to 26 children who have come with an impressive set of issues, most of them from previously disrupted adoptions. I'll never forget "The Magic Underwear" or "Parenting Your Child From a Distance".

4. Linn and Dwight at www.aplacecalledsimplicity.blogspot.com This award is given to this couple for their grace in facing huge trials in their life which certainly intensified last week. These wonderful people are another large adoptive family. Last Wednesday, their house burned. Thursday one of their children had emergency surgery and to top off their week, on Friday their dog died. Through all of this, their faith shines through.

5. Elizabeth at www.acatholicmumclimbingthepillars.blogspot.com Elizabeth is given this award for standing strong in her faith in the face of some strong opposition.

6. Bart at www.bartswholenewworld.blogspot.com Thank you Bart for an active demonstration of agape love. Your commitment to love in some very difficult circumstances, while still setting strong and reasonable boundaries is an inspiration to many.

7. Robert and Amy at www.reaganoliviawinslow.blogspot.com Robert and Amy receive this award for their perseverance and dedication to their baby daughter, Reagan. Reagan was born at 24 weeks weighing a mere 1 pound 6 ounces. Check out her adorable pictures this Christmas. Reagan was in NICU with my granddaughter, Maggie this past spring.

8. Paula at www.paulasreality.blogspot.com Paula is given this award for her remarkable courage. And with her courage, she maintains a strong witness and challenges us to think beyond ourselves.

9. Kennedy at www.yangzhoufundraising.blogspot.com Kennedy receives her reward for extraordinary initiative. Kennedy is a 13 year old adopted twelve years ago from Yangzhou. The oldest of 6 children, she recently received an invitation to her orphanage reunion. Her parents are contributing but she still has to raise $3300.00 to do it. A very industrious young lady, she is about half way there presently.

10. Cindy B at www.thebodiebunch.blogspot.com Cindy receives this award for her obedience. My friend, Cindy is the MoM of 39 children, 38 of whom are adopted, most of whom joined her family with quite a bit of checked luggage in addition to their carryons. But in the face of, at times, overwhelming adversity Cindy continues her obedience to the life which God has called her.

These are my picks for the Lemonade Award.

Just More Peaks and Valleys

2009-01-18T21:17:00.002-05:00

Chemo went just fine on Monday. By Tuesday it was clear that I was going to have more nausea on this round. Wednesday confirmed that. But it was controllable. At this point of my treatment that is what I am looking for - controllable side effects. Clearly it is becoming a bit more difficult as the time goes on. It did not help though that I allowed myself to become so run-down over the holidays. Since that, my schedule has either continued to be packed or I have been sick.

I was so much better last weekend, but the sinus thing is back with a vengeance. I did not get out of bed until 12:46 on Friday. I do not remember a time when I slept that late before. The minute I rose though I knew my sinuses would just a soon have stayed in bed. And indeed, all day I felt that swimmy headed feeling where you feel like you're in the room, but also floating above it watching life unfold from a distance.

Bottom line - I guess I'm sick again. Phooey. Today, Saturday, I'm wondering if my platelets might be a bit low this time. The bottom line is that I really need prayer to get through this round over the next week or so.

I have a three week break coming up in March where I will be free of the chemo room. I am really trying to make it to that point. Only three more treatments to go and I will have my break. I can see that it is something my body is going to need. Please pray with me that I can make it until then. I don't really care if I have to be a bit sick till then. It's just important that I be able to maintain my schedule up to that point. I cannot get so sick that I have to take an unscheduled break before then.

This was my 10th treatment in this round. To have had that many treatments on a two week schedule I have done remarkably well. I know that God has been with me, sustaining and strengthening me through this. I do wonder though about people who have done chemo literally for years on end. How do they keep it up? It is a daunting task at best. I marvel at their strength and courage.

The chemo room is an interesting place. I have met so many wonderful people there. A month or two ago a lady sat down in the chair next to me. As we exchanged pleasantries it came to light that she had married a man from my hometown. And I had gone to high school with his brother. Oh what a story she has to tell. When she was diagnosed, she was given about six months. Her cancer metastasized to her lungs, then her brain, then her lungs again and now to her liver. This was five years ago. So much for that six month estimate!

I am not and never have been one to live on false hope. Dealing with reality is actually easier for me. And I have, for the most part, made the arrangements that I needed to make in order to spare my family many details later. But she is a reminder that there are better outcomes at times and that we should never lose our hope. My minister had early on made the comment that we have heard from the doctors, but that God has not yet spoken. I try so hard to remember this every day and wait patiently for God to speak. There is something so much more powerful about waiting on God to speak, as we trust in Him rather than ourselves.

Again through a less than stellar week, our wonderful church provided us with meals. If you've never been in this position you just have no idea what a blessing this is. To not have the daily pressure of meals when you're not feeling well is wonderful. Since my husband does not even arrive home until 6:00 after working 10 hours it is difficult for him to deal with a long workday and then come home and have to handle dinner as well. Although I have a couple of older girls at home, they are often at work, doing schoolwork or tied up trying to appease younger siblings. Repeatedly I hear from people that it is such a little thing. Maybe it is a little thing to the providers, but I assure you that is not a little thing to us, but a huge blessing.

I got a little down the other day when I checked out of the chemo room from having my pump removed. I should know better but I looked at the encounter form. What I saw took my breath away. It was January 14th and the balance was already over $25,500. This was only the one group and does not reflect any other providers or drug expenses. Since our insurance is a high deductible plan, this leaves us with quite a bit in the way of medical bills early in the year. Wow! But we are endlessly blessed. Little things like that are sent by the enemy to discourage us. I am so blessed and believe me I know it. When I look around at our comfort, I cannot help but marvel at our blessings. Just last night I sat here while I typed and watched my children enjoying family movie night complete with popcorn and too many Milk Duds (I did NOT buy them sugary junk - their slightly overindulgent but loving Daddy did). They curled up together under lap blankets in front of the fire with the lights down low just like a theater. Halfway through the movie, the littles have fallen asleep usually in the arms of an older sibling who loves them endless. We have a warm dry house filled with God's children and parents who love them. We have food, we have way too much in terms of "stuff" but most of all we have each other. Truly we want for nothing that is a need. And even a great deal of our wants are also provided, nearly always in surprising ways.

This morning has been a bit disappointing. I am still somewhat under the weather and it's cold with a 60% of rain. That means church will be via radio this morning. I am so grateful that our service is available on the radio. But I miss it when I'm not right there in the congregation. I am not where I wanted to be this morning. Then I consider others who are much less fortunate this week. Prayers are in order for Linn and Dwight. On Wednesday their house burned to the ground. On Thursday, one of their children had emergency surgery. Just to add insult to injury, on Friday their dog died. They are another large adoptive family whose hearts are with orphans as are ours. And on a local level, please pray for Chuck and Judy whose house also burned this week. Two wonderful families rendered homeless in an instant. We never know when life can become so much more difficult. But in both cases, these families' testimony stands firm.

Chemo - Did and Done

2009-01-13T09:09:00.003-05:00

The "did and done" saying is Maddie's. I have no idea where it came from but if you ask her if she completed a task this will be her answer.

I asked for your prayers and by the wonderful personal responses I received as well as the responses in the comments section of the blog I know that there were many praying for me. Well, your prayers worked. My appetite has come back. Of course thanks to the steroids I had yesterday with the chemo my appetite is back in full force now. And Sunday my fever finally broke. When I went in yesterday, I had been almost 24 hours with no fever so chemo was on. Again, my bloodwork was perfect. Perfect! That is really surprising considering how many uninterrupted treatments I've had and the fact that I was so sick last week.

I have been using Juice Plus as well as eating correctly. That coupled with many strong prayers from you all. I cannot thank you enough for your diligence in prayer.

This morning has gone okay. My sinuses still feel as though they might explode but its just that time of year anyway. The nausea has continued as in previous treatments. As long as I keep something on my stomach I only have small waves of nausea which is easily manageable.

I want to tell you all about the children of a friend of mine. Her children have been praying for me constantly. They have been so faithful and inquire regularly of their mom as to how exactly I'm doing. They've been praying for all of my specific needs and I so want to thank them. So again, thank you Bethel's children - all of you mean so much to me.

Best Laid Plans

2009-01-08T19:21:00.002-05:00

I had big plans this week to catch everything up on the website. Then I got sick, then I got sicker, and then a bit sicker. I think I'm on the upswing of it finally, but still not well at all. Now I need to rally my prayer warriors. I am supposed to have chemo Monday. I do NOT want to skip or delay this. Honestly, even improved as I am this afternoon, the probability of me being well enough to actually have the chemo is sorta low. I could really use prayers that I am well enough by Monday to have my chemo. My appetite has also disappeared. While my bathroom scale is probably not dismayed at this news, it still isn't best for me. Prayers that I am able to eat what I need would be appreciated.

Update from December 29th

2009-01-08T19:03:00.003-05:00

I spent the day in the chemo room. This was after we saw Maria though and got the results of my latest CT scan.

Again, the results were very very positive. My liver continues to be clean. The tumors in my lungs are down to two - one in each lung. They are essentially stable since my October scan. The necrotic area in the tumor of my right lung has slightly increased, which is positive.

The bottom line is that although the primary tumors in my lungs are of course still there they are stable with the chemo. Since I am tolerating it well, we will continue on for as long as possible.
Keep the prayers coming that as always I can continue to eat and tolerate the chemo with minimal side effects. Perhaps we can pray for the tumor in my right lung to just totally go away as the one in my liver did.

It's your prayers that have sustained me over the last few months and I am so grateful to have had them. God has really blessed us with this latest news and given us a Christmas to celebrate life -
the life of His son, the promise of eternal life through His son, and an extension of my life here on earth.

God's Perfect Time

2009-01-02T20:02:00.006-05:00

From November 10, 2008

For twelve years Wesley had been an only child. He had been as interested in adopting "somebody" as we were. Of course we had promised him a brother who was in his age range. Since we already had a boy though we thought that a girl might be nice as well. This was met by considerable protest from Wesley so we finally decided that if the exact right circumstances were presented we might consider a sibling group of a boy and a girl. Then came the great double cross. Rather than adopting a brother for Wesley, we ended up adopting three little girls who were 3, 5, and 7 at the time. It had been a very difficult adoption and was not finalized until May of 1997.
By the fall of 1997, I began to hear a little nagging voice from within. As I reflected upon it I had the distinct feeling that God was calling us to adopt again. Considering the difficulties that we had encountered, it was with some trepidation that I approached Howard on the subject of adopting again. He asked if we could table the subject until after the first of the year. I agreed to this and waited until New Year’s Day to bring him a cup of coffee in bed and say, "Let’s talk." Never one to fight a loosing battle, he agreed to another adoption.
Having successfully navigated the foster care system once and remembering our promise to Wesley of a brother we began the process and search for a boy in the eleven year old range. As happens constantly the process had changed and we now learned that we needed to take MAPP (Model Approach to Parenting Partnerships) classes. These were lengthy classes which we could not begin until late February and would continue to May. We of course complied with the requirements though and finished the classes.
By late May though there was an uncomfortable undercurrent brewing in this adoption. Howard and I both independently of each other came to the conclusion that we were not supposed to adopt an eleven year old boy from the foster care system. In fact we both felt that we were to adopt a baby girl from China. WOW - how different is that from where we began? But we both felt fairly strongly about this.
It was a long summer as I began to "interview" international agencies by phone. Oddly enough, as sure of our decision to adopt again and from China no less, was how unsure we were of agencies. Early on, I had ruled out several agencies as being too small or limited in their programs. But the big agencies were so rigid. They were not a good fit either. We grew more and more frustrated when we actually thought that we’d found our agency three different times only to have it fall apart at the last minute. We began to question whether or not we were really hearing what we thought we were from God.
By now it was early fall of 1998. This just wasn’t going the way we thought it would. Then one afternoon the phone rang. It was one of the agencies that I had ruled out early on. They were just checking to see where we were in the process. I explained to Danielle that we weren’t and expressed my frustration at all that had gone wrong. She listened sympathetically and then we talked for at least an hour. When I hung up the phone, I knew that we had found the right agency.
Our paperwork was finally completed and our dossier submitted to China in January of 1999. Then we waited for our referral. What seemed to us at the time to be a long wait is now the blink of an eye. We received our referral on August 11th of 1999. I will never forget "the call". She was a beautiful baby of 9 ½ months. Her name was An Yuan.
When you adopt from China, one of the first terms with which you become familiar is the famous Red Thread. The Red Thread states that "Those who are destined to be together are connected by invisible red threads which connect that our souls to all those people - present and in the future - who will play a part in our lives. As each birthday passes, those threads shorten and tighten, bringing closer those people who are fated to be together. And although the thread may stretch or twist it will never break.
There was no doubt that An Yuan was our Red Thread baby. One of the pictures we were given of her was taken in August. Just above her crib was a hanging a Santa - in August, in China where Christmas is not celebrated. Her new mom (me) collects Santas! Her finding place was a steel materials market. Her new daddy buys steel for a living!
But the strongest Red Thread came as we were preparing to leave for China. I was gathering copies of our paperwork to apply for our travel visa. As I reviewed the documents I found myself in tears at what I saw. After all of the delays we had from the fall of 1997 until now in September of 1999, I realized that God had the perfect plan all along. It had been so difficult to find an agency, but finally we found the perfect one. Our agency contract had been signed on November 10th, 1998. Our baby had been born in God’s time - November 10th 1998. Had the adoption happened in our time instead of God’s time, we would not have gotten our little An Yuan. And we would not be celebrating her 10th birthday today. Happy Birthday Maddie!